better
FAMILY
ACCIDENTAL CLOSENESS
Mimi herself didn’t mean to start a
tradition when she took her then-8-
year-old daughter, Whitney, to a yoga
retreat for some one-on-one. But the
two had so much fun that it soon
became an annual ritual. As for her
other daughter, Elizabeth,
13
, Mimi
crafted their alone time to include her
interest in the arts. Two years ago,
they even traveled to Paris to celebrate
Elizabeth's love for everything French.
“It took planning, effort, budgeting,
and giving up some other things, but
it was well worth it.”
TO KIDS, TIME MEANS LOVE
For confidence-building, there’s little
that compares to letting children
know that they’re loved, that you find
them interesting, and that you spend
time with them because you like their
company. Often parents think this is a
given when, in actuality, children
harbor all kinds of worries and doubts
about their role in your life.
“When you immerse yourself in
what they want to do and what’s fun
for them, you feel a sense of
closeness,” says Susan Isaacs Kohl, a
child development expert and author
of
The Best Things Parents Do.
“It
shouldn’t be up to the children to
keep the relationship alive and close.
It’s up to the parent.”
DAD TOO
While moms are typically the ones to
carve out private time with their kids,
it’s critical for fathers to be part of
this equation. “It’s important for sons
to be able to identify with their dads
as a male figure and feel like they can
bond with them and confide in them,”
says Susan Bartell, a psychologist in
Port Washington, New York, who
specializes in family issues. “It’s
equally important for a girl to have a
father role model who can relate to
her on an emotional level.”
THINK BIG, PLAN SMALL
It’s not always about big trips or
weekends away with each child. It's
about a few hours a week with each
of your children doing things that suit
his or her individual interests.
Every day since her daughters were
little, Lyn Horning of Bellefonte,
Pennsylvania, has tried to spend at
least
10
minutes alone with both Erin,
now
17
, and Lauren,
11
. It might be as
mundane as a trip to the grocery store,
a ride in the car, or when she’s kissing
them good night. “It helps me listen to
what’s on their mind,” Lyn says. “They
know if they have a problem I’m always
going to be there to help them.”
WHY CAN’T I GO?
Sometimes leaving the other sibling at
home can unintentionally cause
feelings of resentment and jealousy,
even when they know their turn is
coming. “Sibling rivalry happens,” says
Nancy Wilson, program specialist with
the Penn State Better Kid Care
Program. It’s a juggling act that
parents need to keep in mind. “We
can’t treat all children equally, but we
can be fair.”
If it isn’t one child's turn, spend a
few minutes alone before you leave to
make sure he understands how this
works. For example, “Karen and I are
going on our bike trip in a few hours.
I want you to know I’m really looking
forward to the baseball game that you
and I are going to see next week.”
For trips that span a weekend or
longer, send postcards to siblings, or
help your child pick small gifts for
them. That’s how to make together
time memorable for everyone. fS)
6 i d e a s , t o g e t
y o u g o i n g
At first, it may be a little difficult for
your child to decide on something to
do. Here are a few suggestions you
could make:
X Visit a museum you haven’t been
to before, or see if there’s a special
exhibit coming up that would interest
your child.
X Take a tram or bus ride just to
see the sights. Ring the bell and get
off each time one of you spots
something interesting to do or see.
X Enjoy mother/daughter spa
treatments, such as a side-by-side
manicure and pedicure.
X Teach your child the basics of a
new activity, such as fishing, golf,
tennis, or hiking.
X
Experience something new to
you both, whether it’s a tai chi
class or learning to knit. Continuing
education classes through local
school systems are great sources
of such experiences.
X
Watch a great movie together,
then plan time to sit and snack
afterwards so you can discuss it.
Even better, go to one of the
remaining drive-in theaters across
the country. Visit
driveinmovie.com
to see if there’s one near you.
256 NOVEMBER
2009
BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
